


Hallucinations

by gimmekensei



Category: Bleach
Genre: Boys Kissing, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Listed as M for mentions of Death, M/M, Men Crying, Prompt Fic, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:53:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25054975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gimmekensei/pseuds/gimmekensei
Summary: “Do you ever think about him? Because I do...all the time. Fuck,” Ichigo whispered harshly under his breath, clenching his eyelids tightly shut. He curled himself up into an almost perfect ball, letting his head rest on his knees. “I miss him Kensei. A ton. I always have this same recurring dream that he’s back, that we’re dating again like nothing ever happened and that he’s happy."
Relationships: Hisagi Shuuhei/Kurosaki Ichigo, Hisagi Shuuhei/Muguruma Kensei
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	Hallucinations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MoonNoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonNoon/gifts).



> MoonNoon's prompt: 
> 
> Kensei and Ichigo both dated Shuhei at one point. Shuhei didn't survive the Quincy War and one day Kensei/Ichigo talk about him - (something like that!) -- maybe Kensei or Ichigo hallucinating at one point? Thanks a bunch!

“Do you ever think about him? Because I do...all the time. Fuck,” Ichigo whispered harshly under his breath, clenching his eyelids tightly shut. He curled himself up into an almost perfect ball, letting his head rest on his knees. He didn’t care if the bottom of his shoes would dirty his bedsheets. Comfort was the most important thing at this very moment. “I miss him Kensei. A ton. I always have this same recurring dream that he’s back, that we’re dating again like nothing ever happened and that he’s happy.” A choked sob slipped from his clenched teeth.  
  
“Yeah, I think about him too kid.” Kensei muttered, his emotions more reined in than Kurosaki’s as he reached between them to grab the bottle of sake they were sharing while sitting on the teenager’s bed. “Thinking about him...just brings forth a lot of regrets though…” He trailed off, not even wanting to think about it, but Ichigo wasn’t letting that go so soon.   
  
“Like what?” The substitute soul reaper whispered and poked his head up, letting Kensei get a good look at just the wet, red mess the orange-haired male’s face had become. Just seeing Ichigo’s teary face reminded him of another’s…at least Shuhei had been cuter when he cried. Groaning, he dragged his fingers through his hair, probably pulling a few silver strands out while he was at it.  
  
“I regret letting him think I hated that tattoo of his.” Kensei chuckled weakly, the noise sounding forced. “I just have a shitty way of saying things, and I guess I fucked up again. But hell, I didn’t hate that tattoo one bit. Yeah, I couldn’t quite understand for a while why he got it, but once I understood...fuck it felt...nice. Like as if he’d been waiting for me all that time.” He took another swig of the sake, ignoring the burning sensation as it ran down his throat. “Y’know, he was the only reason I returned to my position as Captain. It wasn’t because Shinji asked me or because Soul Society decided to stop seeing me as a dead traitor...I did it because that kid went out of his way to let me know that I still deserved to be apart of the Ninth.”  
  
“He did?” Ichigo whispered in awe only to laugh softly. “God, that’s so like him, once he's pushed far enough. I can just imagine him storming into the warehouse you all hid out in and drag you back to Soul Society by the ear.”  
  
“Close. He dragged me by the collar.” Kensei snickered, both men sharing a smile at the suggestion of the memory. “Damn near thought he’d strangle me while he was at it.” Ichigo laughed more at that, but soon enough the sniffles reappeared. The Kurosaki kid never seemed capable of getting used to death, or the loss of a loved one. You would think he would have a thicker skin after everything that had happened, but alas he didn’t.  
  


* * *

_  
“....you...you’re really alive.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Yeah, congrats for having a set of eyes that work.” Kensei barked out, not understanding why this Lieutenant went all this way to track him down. Why couldn’t people just leave him alone!? Like all the other Visored’s the idea of reconnecting with their past and perhaps seeing their old friends would be nice, but Kensei had gotten the short end of the stick. Most of the men he had fought with in the past were long dead and all six feet under. The only people that seemed to have any real connection to him were some of the current Captains of Soul Society, but he didn’t give two shits about any of them._ _  
_ _  
_ _“You rejected the offer to come back as Captain of the Ninth.” Shuhei ignored the snarky comment and rather stepped further into the warehouse. He had the male in his sights. There was no way he was going to just let him walk right out of his life again._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Yeah, because there’s no point in it.” Kensei huffed, crossing his arms across his chest only to glare at the Lieutenant. “Look, I have no freakin’ idea why you’re here but I don’t have time to deal with whatever hero complex you have in relation to me-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You’re pitiful.” Shuhei bit out, and though his tone was calm, his darkening eyes told a completely different story. He was pissed from head to toe. “I’ll spare you the reasons as to why I want you back, but you’re just going to let someone else who doesn’t deserve to Captain the Ninth take that position?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Listen kid, don’t you DARE lecture me on-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I highly recommend you silence yourself and let me continue speaking. I listened to your pity party, sir,” Hisagi snapped and suddenly lashed out to grab Kensei by the collar of his shirt and stepped closer than ever, making their noses nearly touched, “and it’s my time to voice my opinion.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Heh, got nerve huh?” Kensei snarled, his lips curling into a cruel smirk. “Fine, spit it out then.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“The Ninth needs you and you need it.” Hisagi observed, fighting the urge to headbutt Kensei’s stupidity right out of him. “The visoreds were right, without an enemy in view or a division to uphold, you have nothing grounding you. Just what do you plan on doing after this? Hiding once more in the World of the Living? You might as well return to dust and let something else more productive come from your ashes.” Shuhei hadn’t planned originally on being this harsh or blunt, but he was exhausted and worn down from battle after battle. His body ached from all the patched wounds littering his form and mentally worn down from having so much come to light. And now his hero, the former Captain of the Ninth was just giving up. He couldn’t allow that to happen, so even if it resulted in getting blown out of the warehouse by Tachikaze, he wouldn’t allow himself to budge from his stance. He was absolutely going to return with a Captain in hand._ _  
_ _  
_ _“And if that doesn’t do anything to affect you, just….please. Come back to the Ninth. Our Ninth.” He whispered, his exhaustion starting to show as his head bowed, his forehead brushing against Kensei’s shoulder. The older man was almost glad that the Lieutenant couldn’t see his shocked expression. But feeling something wet land on his skin, Kensei raised an eyebrow before nudging the boy’s head up with his fingers curling around his chin and watched in shock as the Lieutenant's eyes started to water._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Shit...look kid there’s no need to cry over this-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Shuhei glowered, but it was hard to take it seriously when he looked too damn adorable all teary and red in the face. The visored felt immediately guilty for thinking such a thing though. After all, the Lieutenant was really putting his heart out there for the sake of the Ninth’s future. “I-I’m not trying to cry…” He hissed, “But I’m exhausted, my side hurts and I think I reopened something and you’re so..s-so stubborn...I don’t understand you one bit!”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Kensei sighed and pressed their foreheads together. He knew even before the Lieutenant had made his presence known that this was the same kid he saved years ago. And maybe that’s why he felt so deeply connected with him. So this was the missing link he’d been searching for all those many years? “Still a crybaby, hnn?” Kensei mumbled only to break their connection apart and then yank Hisagi right where he belonged in his arms. “Jeez, look I get it okay? I’ll come back, but enough with the tears. I ain't worth them.” He sighed and did his best to soothe the Lieutenant by stroking the back of his head, patting those wild strands back down._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Promise?” Shuhei whispered, his voice trembling faintly._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Yeah….so quit being a crybaby.” He snickered only to hiss at getting a good whack to his chest._ _  
_ _  
_

* * *

_  
_ _  
_ “You know….he never was really mine.” Ichigo suddenly interrupted the visored’s recalled memories. Turning slightly, Ichigo snatched the alcohol from Kensei.  
  
“What?” Kensei raised an eyebrow at that, unsure where to go from there.  
  
“I made him happy, but I was never enough. He was always talking about you..about how badly he wanted to meet you again. He never voiced it, but I knew he still wasn’t over you. I wasn’t mad actually...” Ichigo trailed off only to laugh weakly, brushing his hair back. “And then I lost my powers and well,” He sighed, giving a weak gesture with his hand. “You know how it went.”  
  
Kensei hesitated. “He said you two broke up.”  
  
“We did. I didn’t expect to get my powers back and it wasn’t exactly like we had enough time to think of a plan that could last. He’s a lieutenant and he couldn’t just abandon Soul Society for me. We both know how much it meant to him. I’m not cruel enough to take that from him.” Ichigo smiled weakly. “Doesn’t mean that I stopped loving him.”  
  
“...tch, I shouldn’t be saying this but I think he still loved you in his own special way.” Kensei trailed off, unsure what else to say, but Ichigo seemed to be hanging on each word. “I’d always catch him checking up on you after he completed a mission in the World of the Living.” The visored sighed only to reach out and ruffle Kurosaki’s hair. “He cared about you, a shit ton.”  
  
“I...I know.” Ichigo choked and buried his face once more. “I-I told myself that once I got my powers back that I’d track him down, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. And then the freaking Quincy War slammed into play and..a-and…”   
  
“I know kid...I know.”  
  
“They wouldn’t even let me kill that Quincy who shot him down!” He hissed through his clenched teeth, his sadness processing into pure anger. “I mean-!”  
  
“How do you think I felt, huh?” Kensei interrupted, pulling Ichigo close to rub the teenager’s back and try to calm him down. “I turned into a freakin’ zombie toy and by the time I returned to my senses, I was told he was-”  
  
“Dead.”  
  
“....” Kensei swallowed nervously at that and only gave a jerkish nod. He might be tough, but even he couldn’t utter that hellish word. “The last time we spoke, I was tearing him a new one for falling to use everything I taught him. I just fucking wish I had thrown in something else…like..”  
  
Ichigo nodded in understanding and settled closer, letting his head settle to rest on Kensei’s shoulder. “I get it. You don’t have to say anymore…”  
  
Kensei sighed shakily and though it felt nice to have Ichigo’s heat pressed against his side, it wasn’t the same as Hisagi being near him. “I wanted to quit being Captain after it. I mean, what kind of Captain am I that I can’t even protect my Lieutenant and boyfriend??” He hissed, clenching his teeth momentarily. “But of course, Shu wouldn’t want that.”  
  
“Yeah…” Ichigo laughed weakly. “If you tried to leave, he’d come back from the dead and beat the shit outta you.”  
  
“Like he could.” The Captain laughed before shrugging Ichigo off his shoulder. “Enough of that though..I need to quit bitching. Both of us need to.”  
  
“Nnn...yeah... “ Kurosaki’s head was already starting to throb in pain. Laying back on the bed as Kensei got up, he mumbled, “I’m glad he had you.”  
  
“....same.” Kensei responded only to sigh, ruffling Ichigo’s hair once more. “Get some sleep kid.” But, Ichigo was already out like a light. Stepping back, he slipped out from the windowsill and hopped off the roof before strolling down the street, his hands shoved in his pockets.  
  
“....did speaking to him help?”  
  
The Captain paused at that only to glance to the side, locking his gaze on Hisagi’s pale form lingering beside him. “Yeah, it did….but I’m not letting you go yet.”  
  
“You said that years ago. Kensei...love…” Shuhei whispered, stepping forward to cup the male’s face and pressed their foreheads together. “You need to let me go. This isn’t healthy.” Kensei swallowed his own spit before weakly shaking his head no. “Bullshit. I’m better with you here.”  
  
“Are you though?” Hisagi glanced behind them for a second before his gaze flickered back to his lover. “You’re standing in the middle of the street, speaking to yourself.”  
  
“I’m speaking with you kid…”  
  
“No, you’re speaking to your consciousness,” Hisagi whispered dejectedly, stroking Kensei’s cheek with the back of his thumb. “Kensei, you know as well as I do that I’m not here.”  
  
“Stop it.” Kensei hissed, clenching his eyes tightly shut. “Quit it. I don’t give a shit if no one else can see you. As long as you’re here, I’m content. You’re asking the impossible.”  
  
“Kensei…” Shuhei whispered, the sound even further broken than the last as he leaned in, brushing their lips together. “Snap all you want, but you and I both know what must be done.”  
  
“I can’t.” It was the softest the Captain had ever spoken, but it was the painful truth. “I fucking miss you. I..shit….I miss you so goddamn much.”  
  
“I know…” Shuhei gently ran his fingers through the male’s hair. The visored couldn’t feel it, but he knew the touch was there...and that, that was good enough. Just knowing his lover was beside him was all he needed. “But again…” He trailed off, sparing Kensei the details of repeating what they already knew.  
  
“I..It’s lonely without you. Mashiro is more annoying than ever. The paperwork keeps piling up..the tea doesn’t taste the same without your touch, the bed is fucking cold and the nights are too long.” He choked out and parted his eyes. “I freaking regret how it ended. I wanted to give you the family you wanted.”  
  
Shuhei pressed a tender kiss to the male’s forehead. “What we had was good enough Kensei…”  
  
“But you always said you wanted a family later,”  
  
“We had each other.” Hisagi smiled faintly. “That was in of itself a treat. But the time wasn’t right and well, taking care of the orphanage helped fill any gaps I felt.”  
  
Kensei released a shaky breath before reaching out to cup Shuhei’s cheek to touch the tattoo that they both shared. “I still feel guilty though. I...we didn’t end on good terms. I snapped at you-”  
  
“We were fighting a war...you were acting as my Captain then, as you should have. You did nothing wrong.” Hisagi sighed, they weren’t really getting anywhere. Yes, Kensei was speaking more on the topic then he had in years, but still. Kensei needed to let go…  
  
“Let me go. Please.” Shuhei pleaded one last time and wiped away the wetness forming on the Captain’s face. And though Kensei wanted to refuse, he couldn’t anymore when his lover begged like that. Giving a jerky nod, he cursed and swallowed weakly, feeling his throat tighten up. “I love you Shu..I mean it.”  
  
“I know, and I love you.” Gently covering Kensei’s eyes with his hand, Hisagi pressed one last tender kiss to the Captain’s lips before his touch disappeared. It was finally time to let go. Breathing shakily, Kensei tried to calm his nerves but it just wasn’t good enough. Bending down, he sniffled before cursing again and rubbed at his eyes. _Who was the real crybaby now?_  
  
He weakly laughed at that thought, but it wasn’t good enough to cheer him up for now. He didn’t know how to continue from here. Everything that Hisagi had said was what his mind wanted to hear. Was that really what Hisagi would have said? Shouldn’t he be angry that Kensei failed him?  
  
“F-Fuck…” He choked out only to stiffen when a hand out of nowhere dropped to rest on his shoulder. “...figured you were having a harder time than you were broadcasting,” Ichigo muttered, rubbing the man’s back absentmindedly. “I wasn’t stalking or anything but,”  
  
“Thanks, kid.” Kensei interrupted only to stand back up. He was going to turn to leave but Ichigo wasn’t having any of that. Instead he shifted to hug Kensei tightly from behind, letting his arms loop around the Captain’s front.  
  
“I know...I see him sometimes too. I..know.” He repeated, letting his cheek press against the visored’s back. “Come back to my place Kensei. My siblings and father are out visiting Uryu’s folks so there won’t be anyone to disturb us.”  
  
“I appreciate the offer but,”  
  
“Kensei...don’t grieve alone,” Ichigo whispered. “Stay.”  
  
“......” Kensei didn’t say anything, but using body language he gave a curt nod. He didn’t know how to keep himself together anymore...but maybe staying by Ichigo’s side tonight would give him the tools he needed to deal with his grief.  
  


* * *

  
  
_“.....I love you.” Shuhei blurted out once he had called Kensei to a secluded part of the outskirts of Soul Society. “I mean, I-” He stammered, struggling to decide just what to do with his hands, but Kensei didn’t give him enough time to even think. Surging forward, the Captain backed Shuhei right up against a tree and hungrily locked their mouths together, silently giving the Lieutenant his answer in turn._ _  
_ _  
_ _“C-Captain…”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Yeah, I love you too.” Kensei smirked and nuzzled their noses together. “Took you long enough to say it.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“...you could have said something beforehand.” Shuhei pouted, but he still seemed a little dizzy, startled from the earlier ravenous kiss. Kensei nearly sucked the air out of him!_  
  
_“Heh, well I guess I just don’t have the same courage as you.” Kensei muttered only to seal their lips together once more, allowing his hands to settle down onto the boy’s waist. And while Shuhei really wanted to question that voiced thought of his Captain’s, this kiss was too good to part from. Giving in, Shuhei let his arms raise to loop around Kensei’s throat, silently urging the kiss to deepen and thank god...Kensei gave him exactly what he needed._


End file.
